Two antennas got married....the wedding was kinda boring....






BUT THE RECEPTION WAS GREAT!!!!!!:D






Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".



Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

And possibly the worst one I have heard in a while...


A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

OW!

Cant wait for DOK's reply to this!

Well m141a, your day can only get better after these :D

Seeing-eye dogs (I didn't get this one so it must be really subtle?)

A guy with a Rottweiler and a guy with a Chihuahua want to get something to eat, but the restaurant doesn't allow dogs. The guy with a Rottweiler says, "Follow my lead", puts on a pair of sun glasses and walks over to the restaurant.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry mate, no pets allowed."

"You don't understand," says the guy with the Rottweiler, "this is my seeing-eye dog."

"A Rottweiler?" says the guy at the door.

"Yes", he replies the man with the dog, "they're using them now, they're very good."

So the guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on his sun glasses and walks up to the door.

"This is my seeing-eye dog", he says.

"What? A Chihuahua?" says the guy at the door.

And the guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? (this one's older than I am!)
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers. (yuk!)

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall?
Dam!

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the **** out of the dog.

(please don't ask me to explain the first one?)


A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday.
So the uncle bought him a used car dealership.

There was a farmer who was wildly keen on tractors. And then one day, he suddenly changed, and started hating them instead.
Why? Because he had become and extractor fan.

A group of chess enthusiasts are at a tournament, and are gathered in the hotel reception area telling each other about their best games, when the hotel manager comes and throws them all out.
Why? "I don't like chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A scientist cloned himself, but the clone turned out to be incredibly rude. Evenutally, the scientist got sick of his clone, and pushed him over a cliff. The next day he was arrested.
Why? "Making an obsene clone fall."

Then there was the ship carrying red paint that collided with another carrying blue paint.
What happened? Both crews were marooned.

A new car has been designed especially for the Los Angeles rush hour....
It's called a stationary wagon.

A man walked into a fortune teller's tent. When the fortune teller saw him, she started laughing, so he hit her.
Why? He was striking a happy medium.

Remember: Light bulbs are nothing but a filiament of your imagination.

How would you find out how heavy a whale it?
Take it to a whale-weigh station.

A party was organised for a crowd of toad-stools. It was very crowded, but they were all happy....
There wasn't mush-room, but they didn't mind because they were all such fungi's

I'm sorry. That last one was in spore taste.

A man started work at an explosives factory, but he soon got fired.

Another man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned because he couldn't concentrate.

A miner also got the sack - his boss thought he was the pits.

Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.

What about the king who got deposed by his enemy?
He just got throne away.

And of course, there was the pillow and mattress manufacturing company that had a problem with staff...
Some of them just felt down all the time, and the rest were sleeping on the job.

And the wardrobe manufacturing company...
The staff hiding skeletons in the closet, but the boss found a way to wear them out eventually.

And the pilot who went on sick leave, because he had the flew.

Then there was the guy who fell into a vat of molten optical glass after drinking too much....
Just two glasses, and look what a spectacle he made of himself.

And don't forget about the telecoms engineer who was committed to an asylum...
They said he had too many hang-ups.

When Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees?
In the Arc-hives, of course.

A certain leisure complex had a cinema and a swimming pool. One day, the cinema screen fell through the floor into the pool.
The owners left it there, and used it as a dive-in theater.

There was also a vampire who became a vegitarian.... he turned into a fruit bat.

Friction. It's such a drag. And gravity sucks too.

K (waving the white flag!!!!) dub.

another barrage [hits the white flag pole]

An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day, when a police officer pulled him over. "What seems to be the trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman. As the officer said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out of the car back there?". To which the old gentleman exclaimed, "Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".

An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!" "No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now." "I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath. One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed. "Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries. "I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."


Two bullet makers were driving their delivery semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high. They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"

There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the passengers with a nightly show. He was very successfull in his job and there was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot. The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark, "It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, "It's down his trousers, it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick. Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot and longed to kill it. Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge of the raft and stared at the magician. For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time. "Alright I give up....." chirped the parrot, ".....what have you done with the ship?"









"Good morning, I'd like some talcum powder, please." "Certainly sir. Please walk this way. "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder."


And finally:


What do you call a deer with no eyes?



















No-eye-deer

bad, just bad....:D

Yup! It's definitly Friday. :D And I see all the really bad ones are allready used up. :p :D :D

another barrage [hits the white flag pole]



Two bullet makers were driving their delivery semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high. They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it.!"

:D

And Marshall said what?

And Marshall said what?

Not Marshall, It was Ranch Dog! :D

Yup! It's definitly Friday. :D And I see all the really bad ones are allready used up. :p :D :D

Nope!!!

what happens when you cross a singer and a rocking chair? -- you rock to the beat.

how do you mend a broken jack o lantern? -- with a pumpkin patch.

what do you call a lease of false teeth? -- a dental rental

Where did the kittens go on the class trip -- to the meow-seum.

What goes tick-tock, woof-woof? -- a watchdog

What did the art dealer say when a mann asked what a picture was supposed to be? -- a reflection of you.

what did the girl sea say when the boy sea asked her for a date? -- shore

What falls down but never gets hurt -- snow

What kind of brush do you use to comb a bee's hair? -- a honey comb

How do you get a peanut to laugh? -- you crack it up

Who greets you at a haunted house? -- a host ghost

Why did the farmer bury all his money? -- to make his soil rich

Where can you find an ocean without water? -- on a map

What do you call a horse that likes arts & crafts? -- a hobby horse

Why do shoemakers go to heaven? Because they have good soles

What do you call an avid gardener? -- herb

If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does chicken come from? -- a poul-tree

What do you get when you cross a grape with a lion? -- a grape nobody picks on

What did the tree say to the mountain? -- stop peaking at me

What are sailors' favorite fruits? -- naval oranges

Where does a penguin keep his money? -- in a snow bank

What did the boy chip say to the girl chip (crisp for the brits)? -- Lets dance and I'll dip you

Why do bees have sticky hair -- they use honeycombs

Why did the reporter go into the icecream shop? -- he wanted to get the scoop

Why was it hard for the geometry teacher to walk? -- she broke her angle

What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips? -- a chipmonk

What kind of trees sew? -- pine trees, they always have needles around

What did the plate say to the other plate? -- lunch is on me.

What did the man say whin the picture fell on his head? -- I've been framed!

did you hear about the mummies who went to the theater? -- They gave the actors stage fright

How do you turn soup into gold? -- add 24 carrots (karats)

What do you do if a rhino charges you? -- Give him your credit card.

Why did they bury the battery? -- Because it was dead.

What do sneezes wear on their feet? -- ahh-shoes

What do wolves say when they are introduced? -- howl do you do.

What does a car run on? -- wheels

What did the sink say to the water faucet? -- you're a real drip

where do pigs park ther cars? -- in a porking lot

Why did the banana leave the cinema-the film didn't appeal to him

Why did the little cookie (biscut) cry? -- because his mother was a wafer so long

What do you call a hot dog in a bun? -- an in betweenie weenie

Why did the rabbit eat lunch under the sink -- He found a leek there

How do you make a witch itch? -- take away her W

What do you call a crab who plays baseball -- a pinch-hitter

What is the clumsiest bee? -- a bumbling bee

What kind of bean can't grow? -- a jelly bean

Whats green and fluffy and comes from mars -- a martian mellow

how does a man on the moon get his hair cut? -- eclipse it

What do you do when you have no rubber bands? -- find a plastic orchestra

What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? -- time to get a new fence

What is green, red, and runs 100 mph? -- a frog in a blender

What is yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? -- a dead school bus

Why did the man throw his margarine? -- he wanted to see the butter fly

What did the finger say to the thumb? -- I'm in glove with you (heather's favorite)

whats brown and sticky? -- a stick

whats red and not there -- no tomatoes



What do you get when you cross a turkey with a penguin? -- a very cross penguin

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".

His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".

"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".





A Iowa man goes to see his doctor and says,
"Doctor, I think I'm having trouble with my hearing".
"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
The man replies, "Err... A yellow cartoon family on TV?".






A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a Gin.................and tonic." The bartender says, "Hey, what's with the big pause?"
The polar bear looks at his hands and says, "I don't know, my Dad had 'em, too."




And the worst I could find toady.....


Thomas Edison walks into a bar and orders a beer.
Bartender says, "What kind do you want."
Edison replies..."Make it a light."


Remember to tip your waiters,.
I'll be here all week.

A Iowa man goes to see his doctor and says,
"Doctor, I think I'm having trouble with my hearing".
"What are the symptoms?" asks the doctor.
The man replies, "Err... A yellow cartoon family on TV?".

Remember to tip your waiters,.
I'll be here all week.

I like that one, had to read it twice, but I got 'er!

And here's the reason legal aliens are leaving New Jersey!!

New Jersey Crazy laws (Chris....sure hope you're aware of the highlighted law!)

• Automobiles are not to pass horse drawn carriages on the street.
• Bernards Township: It is illegal to frown as the town is a "Frown-Free Town Zone".
• Caldwell: You may not dance or wear shorts on the main avenue.
• Car dealerships are forbidden from opening on Sunday.
• Cranford: Citizens are not permitted to park their own boat on their lawn.
• Cresskill: All cats must wear three bells to warn birds of their whereabouts.
• Elizabeth: It is forbidden for a woman, on a Sunday, to walk down Broad Street without wearing a petticoat.
• If you have been convicted of driving while intoxicated, you may never again apply for personalized license plates.
• In Berkley Heights you may not walk your cattle on the street on Sunday.
• In Newark it is illegal to buy ice cream after 6:00 p.m.
• In New Jersey it is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.
• In New Jersey, it is illegal to slurp soup.
• It's illegal in New Jersey for parents to give their children under the age of 18 even a sip of alcohol.
• It is against the law for a man to knit during the fishing season.
• It is against the law to "frown" at a police officer.
• It is illegal to delay or detain a homing pigeon.
• It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.
• It's also illegal in this state to throw a bad pickle on the street.
• Lovers in Liberty Corner should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
• Manville: It is illegal to offer whiskey or cigarettes to animals a the local zoo.
• Newark: It is illegal to sell ice cream after 6pm, unless the customer has a note from his doctor.
• Ocean City: People may not slurp their soup. Pinball machines are not to be played on Sunday. Raw hamburger may not be sold.
• On a highway you can not park under a bridge.
• Raritan: Profanity is prohibited.
• Raw hamburger may not be sold.
• Sea Isle City: There will be no boiling of bones on the property.
• There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.
• Trenton: You may not throw a bad pickle in the street. Pickles are not to be consumed on Sundays.
• Unless you have a doctor's note, it's illegal to buy ice cream after 6 PM in Newark, New Jersey.
• You cannot pump your own gas. All gas stations are full service and full service only.
• You may not slurp your soup.



Arizona Crazy Laws

• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
• There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.
• Hunting camels is prohibited.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.

Glendale
• Cars may not be driven in reverse.

Globe
• Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.

Hayden
• If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.

Maricopa County
• No more than six girls may live in any house.

Mesa
• It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
Mohave County

• A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.

Nogales
• An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.

Prescott
• No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.

Tucson
• Women may not wear pants.

Tombstone
• It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.

Iowa Crazy Laws

• It is a violation of the law to sell or distribute drugs or narcotics without having first obtained the appropriate Iowa drug tax stamp.
• A man with a moustache may never kiss a woman in public.
• Kisses may last for no more than five minutes.
• One-armed piano players must perform for free.
Dubuque
• Any hotel in the city limits must have a water bucket and a hitching post in front of the building.

Indianola
• The "Ice Cream Man" and his truck are banned.

Fort Madison
• The fire department is required to practice fire fighting for fifteen minutes before attending a fire.

Marshalltown
• Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants

Ottumwa
• Within the city limits, a man may not wink at any woman he does not know.

Seeing-eye dogs (I didn't get this one so it must be really subtle?)

A guy with a Rottweiler and a guy with a Chihuahua want to get something to eat, but the restaurant doesn't allow dogs. The guy with a Rottweiler says, "Follow my lead", puts on a pair of sun glasses and walks over to the restaurant.

The guy at the door says, "Sorry mate, no pets allowed."

"You don't understand," says the guy with the Rottweiler, "this is my seeing-eye dog."

"A Rottweiler?" says the guy at the door.

"Yes", he replies the man with the dog, "they're using them now, they're very good."

So the guy at the door says, "Come on in."

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on his sun glasses and walks up to the door.

"This is my seeing-eye dog", he says.

"What? A Chihuahua?" says the guy at the door.

And the guy with the Chihuahua says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"


That's great, DOK! :D

Well i surely won't be buying any one armed piano players Ice-cream in Newark after 6pm:D

More NJ STU-PID laws.
1.No magazines in a rifle may contain more than 15 rounds.[just how many Mfg. make 15 round AR, AK, M14 mags...none]BUT,
2.you may not alter or permanently block any 20 round mag to contain less than twenty rounds, Because
3.You may not own 20 round magazines
4.you may not own an M1 carbine, which is on the NJ ban list, but it May accept it's 15 round magazines.
5.You may not own an M14, but the M1A is just swell.
6. You may not own an AK....unless it has a thumbhole stock...not the pistol grip.[like THAT makes a difference]
7. You may posess hollowpoint ammunition, but MAY NOT use said ammunition to defend your self or property. [they have actually arrested people for possession of said...]
8.You may own an ar15, in target configuration only, but you MAY NOT install an adjustable stock that extends or collapses.

and the # 1 stu-pid NJ gun law.


You may not own ANY tube feed semi-automatic 22 rifle that will accept more than 14 rounds.

Yes, that evil Marlin 60, or 99 , along with all those Hi-standard 17 shot tube feed are the scurge of society here in NJ...the ruination of the free world depends upon it.

But have a 17 shot lever or bolt, which a RIFLEMAN can operate as fast, well that's just swell too.

Please, somone kick the soap box out from under me, fast...





A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a scotch. Bartender says, "we don't serve your kind here".
Dejected, the rope leaves, but gets outside, and has an idea. He tossles his top,twists himself up crazy and goes back in.

The bartender sees him, and yells "I thought I told you we don't serve rope".

And the rope replies......

no



I'm a frayed knot!
(I'm afraid not....get it?)



[insert groan here]:rolleyes:

got any more "stuff"? Nope, frayed knott, gotta take a shower and out for some shopping and eats. But there's always next week and apparently I'd better start researching a lot earlier.....bout wore Google out today!

Daniel "bowed but not broken" OK

LOL :D


Chris "calls a cease fire" m141a

enjoy your evening sir!

I read through EVERY one....and I'm exhausted. :rolleyes: