Carroll B
08-05-2003, 04:55 AM
Things to do in retirement
Finally figured out what I want to do when I become and old geezer and retire.
If I still have my 79 pickup truck, drive it down the road during rush hour, holding the steering wheel with both hands, doing 25-MPH in a 55-MPH zone.
Go grocery shopping and stand in the middle of the isle with my cart talking to my friends blocking the entire isle.
Take my grandchildren to McDonnalds during lunchtime when all the working people are trying to get their lunch. Allow my grandchildren to buy one of each of all the fricking toys in the Happy Meals that Mackey D’s sells, changing their minds several times in the process, making everyone else late for work.
Only do my shopping at the mall, grocery and hardware stores on Saturdays and Sundays like the working folk do - the stores are always so empty during the weekdays....
I'm going to hang out at the house all day until 4:30 or 5 p.m.
Then I'm going to venture out to grocery stores and other places that usually see a big wave of rushed, harried people stopping in for a couple of quick items on their way home from work.
Then I'm going to stand at the 10 Items Or Less express checkout and yak at the clerk.
Then I'll wait until my 13 items are rung up and I'll grab a couple of more from the shelf by the register. I might even send the bag girl over to the photo counter to get me a roll of some obscure black-and-white film.
And maybe a pack of Cigs. "Did I say Menthol? I meant Lights. I'm sorry, honey. I get those confused all the time. And TWO packs instead of one. I might as well double up. Heh heh heh."
Then I'll wait until those are rung up then I'll pull a wadded up bunch of coupons from my pocket and carefully check to see whether any of them are applicable to the items I just bought.
All the while the line will get longer and longer behind me.
When I discover that none of my coupons are good on this trip, I'll pull out my wallet and fumble around for a credit card. Then I'll stand there holding it and staring at the little keyboard where I'm supposed to swipe it like it's a rattlesnake. I'll make the clerk walk me through the whole process of how to use it TWICE because I'll swipe my card the wrong way the first time and then punch in the wrong P.I.N.
When I'm finally rung up I'll carefully scrutinize the receipt and question the 45-cent lettuce because I think I remember seeing a sign over in produce about 39-cent lettuce. So then the checker will have to explain to me that the 39-cent lettuce is Iceberg but that I have the 45-cent Romaine.
Then I'll slowly walk toward the door. But I'll stop right in the entrance, carefully looking at the receipt while people try and walk past me to get into or out of the store.
Schedule many appointments with doctors - many different Doctors - at least one for each medical specialty. Visit them frequently. Then make a point of describing each visit and its result, prognosis, treatment plan and surgical options in graphic detail to your kids, your friends, your neighbors and the strangers waiting in line at the express check out at the supermarket....
Finally figured out what I want to do when I become and old geezer and retire.
If I still have my 79 pickup truck, drive it down the road during rush hour, holding the steering wheel with both hands, doing 25-MPH in a 55-MPH zone.
Go grocery shopping and stand in the middle of the isle with my cart talking to my friends blocking the entire isle.
Take my grandchildren to McDonnalds during lunchtime when all the working people are trying to get their lunch. Allow my grandchildren to buy one of each of all the fricking toys in the Happy Meals that Mackey D’s sells, changing their minds several times in the process, making everyone else late for work.
Only do my shopping at the mall, grocery and hardware stores on Saturdays and Sundays like the working folk do - the stores are always so empty during the weekdays....
I'm going to hang out at the house all day until 4:30 or 5 p.m.
Then I'm going to venture out to grocery stores and other places that usually see a big wave of rushed, harried people stopping in for a couple of quick items on their way home from work.
Then I'm going to stand at the 10 Items Or Less express checkout and yak at the clerk.
Then I'll wait until my 13 items are rung up and I'll grab a couple of more from the shelf by the register. I might even send the bag girl over to the photo counter to get me a roll of some obscure black-and-white film.
And maybe a pack of Cigs. "Did I say Menthol? I meant Lights. I'm sorry, honey. I get those confused all the time. And TWO packs instead of one. I might as well double up. Heh heh heh."
Then I'll wait until those are rung up then I'll pull a wadded up bunch of coupons from my pocket and carefully check to see whether any of them are applicable to the items I just bought.
All the while the line will get longer and longer behind me.
When I discover that none of my coupons are good on this trip, I'll pull out my wallet and fumble around for a credit card. Then I'll stand there holding it and staring at the little keyboard where I'm supposed to swipe it like it's a rattlesnake. I'll make the clerk walk me through the whole process of how to use it TWICE because I'll swipe my card the wrong way the first time and then punch in the wrong P.I.N.
When I'm finally rung up I'll carefully scrutinize the receipt and question the 45-cent lettuce because I think I remember seeing a sign over in produce about 39-cent lettuce. So then the checker will have to explain to me that the 39-cent lettuce is Iceberg but that I have the 45-cent Romaine.
Then I'll slowly walk toward the door. But I'll stop right in the entrance, carefully looking at the receipt while people try and walk past me to get into or out of the store.
Schedule many appointments with doctors - many different Doctors - at least one for each medical specialty. Visit them frequently. Then make a point of describing each visit and its result, prognosis, treatment plan and surgical options in graphic detail to your kids, your friends, your neighbors and the strangers waiting in line at the express check out at the supermarket....