Tool Definitions

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"
SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle .... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads.. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit usually smashing the thumb that is holding the object that you are trying to pound into whatever it is that you are working on effectively eliminating the need for manicure care on that thumbnail for weeks. See: S.O.B. TOOL
UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
S.O.B. TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son of a b$%$#" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

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LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS...
...IT'S LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN

Amen, to all the above. I got a real laugh out of them all.

Alright, whut for you guys been in my shop?

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There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

im in the army, im a wheeled vehicle mechanic, and those definetions sound about right. except you could add "heat wrench/fire wrench" to the oxy/acetylene torch definition. at least thats what we call it.

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Your rifle will only shoot as good as you. If you can't shoot, your rifle cant shoot. Bring your skills up to par, your rifle will follow suit.

Cpl. Liles

The torch- we use the torch primary to heat up metal to a certain point and then spend the rest of the time seeing how fast we can drop the hot things we just picked up, seems to be how you train all the shop rookies. Occasional we reheat coffee with it too, best done with metal cups!

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this is not the old west, you just can't go around cleaning up the streets with a gun. Even though somtimes thats exactly whats needed-Attorney General Russert
Im just a peckerwood that lives in the hills with too many guns There's going to be more shooting, more people are going to die. I didn't start it, but I mean to see it through I'm going to find them, burn their playhouse down Exercise my right to bear arms You don't understand how serious this is. They killed my dog-Bob Lee Swagger

you guys ever hear of a crecent hammer or screwchisel?

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Be popular? Heck, I have enough friends.
"That way lies madness".

Or, a "BFH"?

I like prydriver

In my second year of school for truck mech apprenticeship, our instructor was named Frank. He often referred to it as a "FBH", but was quick to point out that he meant "Frank's Big Hammer"

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"I have a tendency against which I should, perhaps, be on my guard, to swim against the stream..." Winston S. Churchill

Oh yeah, I used those to install the fuel injected torque converter with water cooled lug nuts on my truck last year.

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The crecent hammer and screwchisel are as important to every tool box as the poundy thingy is.

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Be popular? Heck, I have enough friends.
"That way lies madness".

Thank you for the laugh in the middle of a slow day.